you turned your livingroom into a bong?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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