She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I could fuck to npr.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
