i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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