Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Randomize
