Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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