Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
