Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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