At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
that's an acceptable place to lick
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
