There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize