i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
