Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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