Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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