cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Quick, to the slutcave!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
