oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
