You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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