i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
