i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
