I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
