neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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