advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
