he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize