There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
