i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize