Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
