Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
There are leaves in my underwear?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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