dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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