I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
