I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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