did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
