Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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