Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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