he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
