The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
