Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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