I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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