using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
