Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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