Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
