Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
