i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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