I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
