I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize