why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
