soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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