So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
