I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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