She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
