I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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