I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
