you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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