Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
