bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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