we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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