i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
