After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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