God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
