my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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