Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
