Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
