I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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