Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
