Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
