Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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