my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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