Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
